Amazing how randomly often I discover that my unique problem is neither unique, nor a problem, really, when my eyes give more gentle passage upon their reconsideration of what it ‘all means’. Just connecting with thoughts generated by everyone else sitting on the same ride takes that queasy puke in the bush feeling down a seismic point.
So, I’ll settle on my having, as far as I can tell, today, a triune mind. It’s not quite the personalities of Eve, because it’s probably much worse.
Before I got sight of this Judas-like thing hanging in the periphery, I trusted that there were certain things about my understanding of myself that were incontrovertibly under my control.
Trusting that anything is under my control was my first mistake.
So, here I (whatever that is) am realizing that there is some unknown quantity of my own self intent on betraying everything I believed represented this “me” I now am looking at sideways (which is anatomically awkward to attempt).
This post is the rambling take away of the thought process gone haywire. Proceed with caution and a bucket. . Bring ibuprofen.
Does Anybody Know Where They’re Going?
So, it is often that I find myself nose up against one of those dead ends. Then, I have a choice. I can either stay there, contemplating the wall, I can stay there and rail against the wall, attempting to make my way through it by force, I can stay there and pretend that this is exactly where I meant to be, in fact, this is the end of the maze, I made it! Eureka! (That would be my denial yelling “Eureka!”, in case that wasn’t apparent.). However, reality will inevitably win the stare down and I will turn around, take a breath, and head back in the direction I came until I reach another turn in the road to choose. Hoping, always, that it ends more productively than the last.
I do this every single day of my life and as of date, that makes this my 16303rd travel day. I would consider myself, therefore, somewhat of an expert in this maze/path thing but for how lost I feel all the time.
Ever notice that the surface of the brain looks a lot like a maze? Go figure.
I have a problem. Actually, I have quite a few problems, but the one this blog has been most effected by is the problem I have with blogging, which is: I can’t decide if I’m going to commit to a blog site that is transparent, translucent, or opaque. I’m really on the fence about this because privacy is my favorite creature comfort. I potentially care much more about other people’s opinions of me than I’ve previously been aware admitting.
This, by the way, is another one of my problems that is included in a cluster of similarly situated issues I have in my problem storage. I organize my problems by storing them in sets of matching type, origin, and/or urgency. One problem can occupy more than one group, which means that I can honestly say look someone dead in the eye and deny having a of a long list of problems. Instead of a single list, I have tables of them that are indexed. In essence, my problems are multidimensional. Not in a semantic sort of way, but in a relational database sort of way. In order to tackle one of my problems, my self-help tools include SQL queries. I’m not clever enough to write stored procedures.
But, I digress.
To be fair, privacy is important, to me. I’m basically a very private person simply because I’m basically a very introverted type person.
Upshot: When I figure out my comfort level, my posts will inevitably be either irregular in their delivery or irregular in their content. That’s my way of saying what I write about will be so obscure (my modus operendi is suffocation by abstraction) as to be impossible to understand. Oh, readers will often think they understand. They may even comment with a well placed admonishment to seek help soon, but, in truth, the meaning was buried alive in all that verbosity.